Saturday, November 13, 2010

It IS a Wonderful Life.

About 9 years ago, I saw the Jimmy Stewart film, "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time. It is a favorite of my husband's. We had been married a couple years and were having dinner and a movie at a friend's house. For most of the film, I was trying to suppress a massive anxiety attack as I had realized, I was indeed married to George Bailey. My husband constantly put others' dreams and needs before his own and struggled with fear that no matter how hard he worked at at it, he just wasn't enough to make my world and the world around us a better place. He was (and still is) George Bailey.

Now please remember, I hadn't seen the film before, so I didn't know the happy ending that was coming, so I was terrified. But the ending came and I had to try to hold back the sobs. There have been multiple occasions where we were in need and our community of friends came forward with unbelievable support. And we have felt like the Bailey's do in the end: massively rich, because we have amazing friends.

Right now, I am living in that moment at the end of the film when people come to the Baileys with money in their hands cause they heard George needed it.

Last December when we submitted our adoption application to our agency, we thought we might get matched with a birthmother by summer at the earliest. I mean, we had funds to raise and I was teaching full-time; we thought summer was taking an optimistic view of how long it would take to be matched. On our application, we said we were open to any race, but we were praying for a Haitian-American child because my younger brother is Haitian. The agency would tell us later that they laughed when they read that detail because they never served a Haitian birthmother before and they thought it was oddly specific. A few weeks later, a Haitian-American woman at 33 weeks pregnant walked in the door!

Our agency called us and asked if we would like to expedite our adoption and get a profile ready immediately to show this birthmother. We expressed our concerns about how we were not financially ready to pay for an adoption and they said they would work out a payment plan. So we rushed and got our profile ready and the agency began our home-study. They showed the birthmother our profile along with a few other couples and she picked us not knowing we were praying for a Haitian child. Talk about meant to be!

Usually in most domestic adoptions, you finalize 90 days after the child is placed. He was placed in our home March 12th. Well, after long delays, we finally received our finalization date for early December...right before our son turns 9 months old. About a week and a half ago, our agency informed us that they had just learned from our lawyer that the agreed-upon payment plan that we're due to complete in April will not be approved by the judge and if we want the judge to finalize our adoption, then we have to have to pay-off the remaining $5,000 by November 23rd. Our budget is tight as it is with our payment plan. So, we began to pray. God has brought us this far, this quickly, right?

Then a wonderful thing happened. Our friends began to spread the news and money began to come in. This was not expected or requested, but their generosity has humbled us greatly. As of this moment, we still have $3,916 to raise. We continue placing things up on eBay and I am finishing a new collection of handmade Christmas ornaments this week on Etsy. I know, we don't have much time. But, we are keeping faith that God will provide all our needs.

I want to say a big thank you to all of you who have supported us and to all who have been praying for us!

with much gratitude and love,

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Please Help

On Tuesday, October 26th, tragedy struck our church family and the world lost an amazing person. Larsen Hunt, was brutally murdered by her exboyfriend. Its hard to talk about with turning into a crying mess, so I am going to post a link.
Larson leaves behind a 5 yr old son named Aidric--who has autism. We are all trying to carrry on her dream of finding a cure and getting Aidric all the therapy and help he needs. If you have an extra buck to give, please do so.
Thank you.

Autumn Fun

This picture above is from Election Day. We made it a family affair and dressed up.

The streets were safe on Halloween with this Super group!!

Our Incredible Hulk!!

Well, the weather has finally cooled and it finally feels like Fall....too bad we had to sweat through our Fall festivities. It's been a life changing couple of weeks.

We had a packed calendar full of Fall festivities, weddings, and family fun.....but life had other plans. We did get to go to our local Pumpkin Festival, which is where some of the above pics are from. We went with friends who are adoptive parents as well and my two sister-in-laws and mother-in-law came too. The Festival was huge and we only covered a third of it---due to the heat and the realities of having a 7 month old. But I look forward to making this a family tradition and going through the corn maze and hay maze with J and his siblings. J got to go to his first circus that was there and he seemed to really enjoy it. After the festival, the family went to Cracker Barrel and basked in the air conditioning and comfort food.

We had a Trunk or Treat and a kids Halloween party also on the calendar but due to sickness and a tragedy (that I will get into in my next blog) we had to miss both of those things. We did get to go Trick or Treating. We met in a park with friends and had a picnic and then went trick or treating to the nearby houses. It was so much fun and J was wonderful. He's such a great kid. He was the Incredible Hulk and you will see him pictured with Batman, Ironman, and Supergirl. It was a Superhero Halloween.

With each "kid event" that we get to be a part of as parents, it starts to sink in that we are finally parents. I still can't believe it at times. But I am so grateful that we are no longer that "childless couple" at family events making sure everyone else's child is having a good time. My heart breaks for those who are still waiting desperately to have a child of there own and as the Holiday season bulldozes ahead, I pray you will find joy and peace.....and embrace sleeping in.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

baby love

Ok, so here's some new pics. He makes my heart explode with love, joy, and peace.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

living in defense mode

Attachment. It's a word adoptive parents hear....and if your the kind of adoptive parent who went to pre-adoption classes or read books on adoption, you have heard that word attachment A LOT.

And if you are like me, you constantly worry about it. Studies have shown that kids who have proper attachment with their adoptive parents--especially the mother have less behavior issues later in life.

There is great emphasis that when the child first comes home, that the mother be the primary caregiver and that you wait 2-6 months on having a babysitter...etc. With infants, having even grandma hold the baby for long periods of time is greatly discouraged. There are a lot of different opinions regarding attachment and a lot of do's and don'ts. We had have these kind of conversations a lot with all our friends and family who have not adopted to prepare them.

Of course friends have disagreed. Some spoke to other adoptive parents who didn't worry about proper attachment and told us we were crazy. But I ignored them and moved on, but recently, a dear friend, let loose in a public way, their disagreement with my parenting decisions. And I am left pretty angry and hurt. Their anger stems from my lack of church involvement in the last 6 months.

I have been married for 11 years. And for over 7 of those years, I have begged God to allow me to be a mom and start my ginormous family. Sometimes, I was so depressed, I literally couldn't get out of bed. And then it finally happened. I became a mom.

Attachment isn't just about the baby attaching to the parent. It is about the parent attaching to the baby as well.

I did not carry my son in my belly for nine months. I did not feel him kick. I did not give birth to him. When I look at him, I don't see any resemblance of myself or my husband. One day I was not a mom and the next day a total stranger was placed in my arms.

My greatest joy came at Hannah's (the birthmom) greatest heartbreak. In former blogs, I have talked about my love for her. I'm not going to pretend for a second that he's better off with me as his mother. I saw her with her daughter. I saw her with him. She is wonderful. And knowing how badly she is hurting, breaks me. And then I look at this beautiful, happy boy I get to love and he has her eyes, her smile. It took a long time to begin to feel like his mom and not his very lucky baby sitter or legal guardian. Don't get me wrong, loving him was instant. But the motherly attachment builds every moment. And of course it doesn't help that when I go into public, I get asked about his "real" mom while I am still working at feeling like his real mom.

So, I wanted to take time and be with my son. I wanted to take time and bask in the joy of motherhood. I wanted to take time, no make time for attachment. And I don't regret it and I wouldn't change it. But I hate that instead of just basking in the joys of finally being a mom, I have to defend myself. I have left him with a family member or close friend to go have dinner with my husband. I have left him with my husband to go have a mommy break with a girlfriend almost weekly the past few months. I'm not scared of leaving him with people. I just want to enjoy being his mom. My adoption facilitator advised waiting till he reached the 6 month mark before leaving him in the church nursery. She has 14 children (9 through adoption) and has fostered over 90 children, so I tend to take her advice. He turned 6 months on a Friday and was in the nursery the following Sunday.

Anyway, I just want to focus on my kid and how my family dynamic has changed now that there is a child involved. My family is more important than my church life. And in my prayers with God, I know He wants me to focus on my son. I belong to two church growth groups and that doesn't count my adoptive mom group or a very active social life with other couple friends.

I'm not a shut-in. I just have different priorities now. And I guess I just needed to vent about it. I love my son. I love being a mom just like I love being a wife....and that's all I want to be right now.

Virus, you go sit in the corner or go home!

So my sweet, happy, baby boy was infected by a very, very mean and evil virus called "theparentswon'tsleepforweek" virus. It was awful. He wouldn't take liquids. We spent Monday night at the pediatrician and Tuesday at the ER.....and my usually sweet boy screamed so much he started losing his voice.

So when I was told by the pediatrician to take my son to the ER, I wish I was the model of a cool mom. I was not. I started to cry and panic. I called a close friend of mine who is also my son's godmother and told her I had to go to the ER and she started to cry and couldn't even speak. She sent me a text apologizing saying she was not the one to call in these kind of situations. But honestly, her crying stopped my crying. I was relieved to have someone else just as worried and it made me even more grateful she is J's godmother, because I know she loves him so much. I was able to gain a little composure then.....of course all was lost at the hospital when my son was hooked up to an IV and all the other wires and such. He could not be comforted and my husband and I felt utterly helpless.

This was just a virus and I remember thinking..."How on earth do those mothers of terminally ill children do this?" I have nothing but total awe at their strength and beg God to spare me from that.

He is nearly back to normal....just a really gross, stuffy nose and J and I battle cleaning it out multiple times a day. Sometimes he wins.

But he seems to be smiling and laughing even more now and today has been either trying to kiss me or chew on me. He doesn't try to bite down, so I'm going to claim it as kisses.

I know kids get sick and it's something I can not escape. But hopefully that virus doesn't make a visit back to our house for a very, very long time.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

a new memory

Today marked our first official Adoptive mom play group. We really need to come up with a name for it. Anyway, J has 5 friends all around the same age....all boys. There are others who couldn't make it.

I'm so excited for not only the friendships J will have from this new little community, but for the friendships my husband and I will have. I must admit it was so nice to be in a group of moms who didn't spend the whole time talking about their pregnancy and labor.
Please don't misunderstand. It's not like that kind of conversation makes me sad or anything. I once had a friend turn to me and say, "I'm just so sad you won't get to experience the wonder of birthing a child." I was thrown by the comment, but I wish I would have replied, "I'm just so sad you won't get to experience the wonder that is adoption." Because it has its own beauty and wonder.
It's just I have nothing to add to the conversation of pregnancy and then someone always tends to give me a pity look. So I usually just sit there bored...waiting for the conversation to end. What stinks is I have some friends with some very painful infertility stories and I hate it when some women make some really insensitive comments when discussing their pregnancies.
So today it was so nice to sit in a group that had similar experiences and understood the roller coaster ride that comes with adoption.
But the sweetest thing was J's reaction to my friend's son. Both boys couldn't stop laughing at each other and smiling. J is almost 6 months now and her son is 7 months. At one point they grabbed hands and kept laughing and I tried to take a picture, but the memory card was I'm trying to hurry and delete pics before they let go and of course the moment I get enough pics deleted, they let go...moment gone.
But we have never seen J react to other babies like that and I can't wait to see what adventures him and his new bff will have as well as the other awesome 4 little guys. And the moms are all great so I feel even extra lucky.
I'm just so grateful J will grow up knowing other kids who are adopted as well as other trans-racial families. No mom wants their kid to feel isolated.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Baby Don't You Cry...but Mommy might

I was living in NYC when I saw the movie "Waitress". The writer, director, and actress in the movie: Adrienne Shelley was murdered during a break-in before the movie was released. She lived in when the film was released, it was a big deal. In the film, Adrienne wrote a sweet song that Keri Russell sings.
At the end, I cried. It is a happy ending. But I cried for Adrienne and her family (her two yr old daughter appears at the end of the film) and I cried for myself. I was desperate to have a child in my life to sing to.

As of late J will only fall asleep if I am holding him. He also stops crying as soon as I start to sing. If I stop singing, he gets fussy. It is sweet, but when it's for every nap and bedtime, I have to admit I found myself exhausted and tired of singing and wishing he'd sleep in my husband's arms. Of course that feeling fled quickly as I remembered how I dreamed of rocking my baby to sleep and singing to him.

I have sang all sorts of songs......old Sinatras, Sunday School songs, every kind of lullaby I've heard, a song my mom made up, Stevie Wonder, etc. But I forgot about Adrienne's song.

The other day I was baking for company coming over for dinner and J wanted to be held all day that day, so I found myself in the kitchen holding my 22lb 5 month old in one arm and stirring batter with the other. He had been crying because I had set him down for a second to crack eggs and I started to sing "Baby Don't You Cry".

J stopped crying and I started to cry as I realized, I finally had someone to sing it to.

Here's a little bit of the lyrics and if you haven't seen the film "Waitress", go rent it...but I warn you. You will want to bake pie or at least eat a slice of it.

"Baby don't you cry
Gonna make a pie
Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle
Baby don't be blue
Gonna make for you
Gonna make a pie with a heart in the middle
Gonna be a pie from heaven above
Gonna be filled with strawberry love

Baby don't you cry
Gonna make a pie
Hold you forever in the middle of my heart"

Monday, August 2, 2010

he takes my breath away

My friend Leslee came to the house and took some wonderful's just a sampling.....

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I'm not his baby sitter.

Any fellow adoptive moms out there have all heard the same horrible questions using the phrase "real mom". eeeeek. I hate it and shudder every time. I wish it didn't bother me as much as it does. And I know the person saying it doesn't mean to be hurtful, but it is. Do they not see me as real mother?

My son has a birthmother and we love her very much. But I am his real mom. I am not his baby sitter. He is not out on loan. I am not a pretend mom. I think that's why I hate the term so much. I feel like they are saying the birthmother is his real mom and I'm just out there pretending.

I'm not pretending. This is all very real. My love and commitment to parent him his real. He is my son and I am his mom.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

what are they so scared of?

The other day, I received a phone call from a woman wanting to adopt and she wanted to know about my experience with the agency I used. They had given her my number.

I told her the truth: that I loved them and planned to adopt several more children with them. Then I told her about my son and how he became apart of our family.

The lady then begins to tell me how she is not a racist but could not possibly raise a black child. She was planning on adopting an Asian child, but could not raise a black one. I'm sitting there with this perfect child asleep on my chest trying to stay polite.

Unfortunately, I have heard this a lot. I have met several couples desperate to become parents, and willing to adopt any race except African-American or in my case, Haitian-American. In fact, in my state, African-American boys are considered "special needs" because so few people are willing to adopt them.

So if you don't mind....I'm going to send an angry rant out into the blogger world.

How ignorant and stupid are these people?!! Not to mention, yes, racist. I said it, racist. What are they so scared of? A child is a child. No matter their hair color, eye color, or skin color. They all need love. They all need a safe home. They all need parents. Why do they think raising a black child would be so different from raising a child of any other race? Just because a child is black does not mean you have to become "ghetto" or play "ghetto" music.....(something I have heard people worry about). Seriously, music and baggy pants are their concern.

So your daughter is from Asia, so you try to connect her to other Asians. Are you telling me you don't want a black child cause then you'd have to connect them with black people and that's something you don't want to do....and yet you still argue that you are not a racist?

Gabourey Sidibi who starred in the movie "Precious" is a talented, bright, and yes, African-American girl. Have you ever heard her give an interview? Do you know what music group she is obsessed with and by obsessed I mean OBSESSED......she can tell you every known fact about this is not lil' Wayne or Kanye is NSYNC. She loves bubblegum pop and thinks Justin Timberlake is the bees-knees. And then I have a dear friend who grew up in a small white town where the KKK would meet and burn crosses in the fields. She is white and went to a white school and a white church and you know what's in her CD player? Every kind of gangsta rap possible.

Being black doesn't mean your culture is the "street-gang" culture. Just like being white doesn't mean you live in a double-wide, drink cheap beer, only listen to country music and marry your cousin.

It is ignorant and arrogant to generalize any people group.

A black child is not another species. And I am sick and tired of hearing people complain about how they want to be parents, but won't take a black child and in the same breath say, "I'm not racist. I have black friends." But yet you feel you are not capable of loving and parenting a child with darker skin?

My little brother is Haitian and six years old. The lady on the phone asked, "Well, now that he's six, is he asking questions about being a different color and what do you say?"

I told her this, "Yes, when we brought J home he asked what color is he? R (little brother) said from his picture he looked peach. I told him, well, when he was first born he was peach but then his skin got darker and it is beautiful like yours. He then asked, "Is he dark brown or light brown?" I told told him in the middle like R. And isn't it awesome? Just like some people have red hair or brown hair, some people have light skin or dark skin and it is so awesome and wonderful that God wanted to use all the colors in the crayon box. It is beautiful."

My husband and I want a large family. And when it comes to deciding on who or where to adopt we have decided to say, "Yes, Lord...and Thank You." We have no preference for what nationality, ethnicity, culture our children come from. We will simply be obedient and love them with everything we have.
And yes, of course we will celebrate their culture's history. If there are other holidays, we will have them, if there are languages to learn, we will do our best to learn them. I will cook the food and celebrate all there is to celebrate about who my child is.

But most of all, I will love them and tell them they are beautiful and created by God...just like every human is. And that fact is to be celebrated and embraced.

Friday, July 2, 2010

I'm a bit frustrated. Our adoption finalization has been postponed yet another month....was supposed to be in June, then July, now August. So I'm gonna post some pics of J, cause his smiley face always cheers me up. He's napping now and I miss him when he sleeps.

Friday, May 28, 2010

sleepy time

just a few pics of our sleeping angel.....We're savoring as much sleepy snuggle time as we can get.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I'm still in shock that I could be someone's mommy. After J was placed in my arms, it seemed the most asked question was, "How does it feel to finally be a mommy?" and that question was always followed up by (before I could answer) "Isn't it wonderful?"

It is wonderful, but that feeling of mommyhood wasn't instant for me.

Please don't misunderstand. I fell in love with him in an instant. My heart was full of joy and gratitude. But I spent two days with Hannah (the birthmother). And I love her. I enjoyed her company. He has her face, her eyes. When I would look at him those first few weeks, I saw her and I felt guilty....but oh so grateful.

It felt kinda like babysitting at first.

Now it doesn't. Those mommy moments happen more and more like when I am the only one who can get him back to sleep or when I am with other moms and the reality hits that I don't have to sit there being the childless auntie anymore.

I'm told by my friends who have biological children that it took awhile for them to feel like somebody's mom, so maybe it has nothing to do with adoption and more to do with the expectation that you are supposed to feel like a totally new person as soon as you meet your child. It's like when I got married, I was so happy and grateful, but I was still me. It took awhile before I actually felt like somebody's wife.

At two weeks, while at the doctor, J was screaming his head off (having just been circumsised), but the moment the nurse handed him back to me, he stopped crying instantly. I was a crying mess, because he was crying, but in that moment when he stopped crying and felt comforted.....I was hit with a rush of adrenaline. He knew me. Both nurses had tried to calm him, but just my hands touching him, calmed him. It felt amazing. He just wanted his momma....He just wanted me.


love that babyface!!

here's J...

I've been wanting to upload more pictures, but blogger has not been agreeing with me.

J is almost 3 months now. He has bit of a cold--runny nose and a cough. We had a post placement home visit yesterday from our agency. I am so anxious to get to finalization day. We received some sad news regarding our son's birth family, which we won't discuss for privacy reasons, but we do ask that you keep us, and Hannah in your thoughts and prayers.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

the easy rider

ok, saw this on Martha Stewart yesterday and I have to get this for J's 2nd bday. It is a pedal-less bike (they use their feet on each side--kinda like a scooter with a seat). It's how the Europeans teach their little ones to ride a bike. It teaches them balance early on so they won't have to ever use training it looks like a lot of fun too!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

surreal, but nice.......make that wonderful

I just really want to tell you about my son's birthmother. Who for privacy sake, we're calling her "Hannah". I'm not going to share her reasons for choosing an adoption plan for that is her and J's story to tell. But I still wanted to talk about her.

What do you wear to meet your son's birthmother? Man, was I freaking out a little. Nervous doesn't even describe. As we were driving to the agency (where we were doing the first initial meeting) a song from our wedding march came on the radio and that calmed me a bit. It ended just as we parked. We were asked to arrive before her so we could sit down and chat with the agency to prepare for what was about to happen. They told me that typically birthmothers are super nervous too. Minutes seemed like hours as I kept looking at the clock. I remember the women talking although, I'm sure I just did a lot of nodding.

Then she walked in. My word, she is beautiful.....this tall, Bohemian-dressed women came in and the air left me. She lost her breath too as she sat down. She was holding her daughter who I tried not to stare at (of course wondering--will he look like her?).

She had trouble making eye contact so I blurted out, "I'm super nervous too." And her muscles relaxed and she smiled and said, "ok". I remember thinking. I can't believe she's worried we won't like her. I mean, she chose us to raise her could we not like her? She holds all the cards.

She had written down a list of questions, but was too nervous to ask them, so Pam-our advocate read them out loud. The first question, (and I cry when I type this) "Will you tell him about me?"

Without pause we exclaim, "Yes!!! Of course!!" and I add, "Whatever you want us to tell him....whatever you want him to know..." The look on her face still breaks my heart. You could tell she was really worried about that.

There were more questions-- does my husband plan on being really involved? schooling? family traditions? Will we teach him his culture and incorporate some of her holiday traditions?--which we will do.

Hannah is Haitian. I have a younger brother who was adopted through foster care who is also Haitian and my oldest brother is dating a Haitian. So we talked about that. It was really important to her that J grows up with Haitian culture. She didn't know we were praying for God to send us a Haitian child. I want my little brother to have someone else in the family like him. When Hannah heard that we wanted a Haitian child, her face lit up. She was worried a couple wouldn't celebrate his heritage. She would tell Pam later that meeting us was like a huge weight had been lifted and she knew this was the right thing to do.

The next time we would see her was a couple of weeks later for an ultrasound. I think I was more nervous about this appointment. But whenever I am around Hannah, I feel calm and peaceful. The nerves fade away.

We cried during the ultrasound and after hearing his heartbeat. J sucked his thumb. And when the lights went on, I saw that Hannah was crying too. We left the room so she could get dressed and then we sat down and chatted a bit more with her. Pam would tell me later that Hannah told her she felt sad till she saw how excited we were and she felt better.

We wouldn't see her again until his birth day. We had been praying God would give her an easy labor. She was induced and that worried me because (I've been told) labor could be even more painful and take longer. But thankfully, only 4 hours from the time of being induced and three pushes and J entered the world.

We were not in the room. Pam and Alexis (both from the agency were with her). But as soon as they cleaned Hannah up, we came in. They waited to weigh or clean J till we were in the room. When we walked in, Hannah was holding him and she instantly put him in my arms. What an insane moment. Dreamlike. My husband and I sat next to her bed for the next 2 hours and took turns holding him. Our first pictures of him were taken with Hannah--all four of us---our family.

This hospital unfortunately was not adoption friendly. It is the one hospital in our area that won't acknowledge the adoptive parents, but it was also the only hospital where her obgyn would deliver and luckily he had a sister who was adopted and was so wonderful with Hannah--a true God-send. But the hospital was crap. Most hospitals give the adoptive parents access to the baby and their own set of wristbands, but was Hannah's call for when we could see him. The nurses made a big deal to make sure we knew they were only going to ask her questions involving his care.

They had to move her to another room, so we left for a few hours to let her get some rest. Now many of you have asked me, "Did the baby go into the nursery?" It was her choice and she chose to have him in the room with her. Now I would be lying if I didn't say that in the moment she told them "No, I want him with me." My heart stopped and I got nervous. But then I reminded myself. God is sovereign. I am trusting in His perfect will. I am here to support and love on Hannah and will support her in whatever her decision is. She had 48 hours to sign the papers and until much as I was already falling in love, I was still guarded. But I must admit, after the initial fear, I felt comforted that he was with her getting personal attention and not in a bright room all by himself. She said she had heard too many horror stories and I laughed and had to agree cause I would have said the same thing.

Throughout those 48 hours, Hannah was great. She let us visit for however long we wanted. We sat next to her and held J. Sometimes when we came in she was holding him and when we left, sometimes she wanted me to put him back in her arms. We were never alone with her for those of you who were wondering. Pam or Alexis had to be keep things on the up and up. We brought her flowers. Her favorite color is purple, so I made her a bouquet filled with 5 bunches of tulips in 3 different shades of purple. We weren't allowed to bring her anything else because to keep things ethical, you don't want it to seem like we are bribing or paying her.

Those two days spent sitting next to her were spent watching HGTV and chatting. I didn't ask a bunch of questions. It was like visiting a long-time friend who either suffered a loss or was very sick in the hospital. The conversation was kept light and was pretty natural like we'd known each other for a long time. She talked about her life here and there, but we had more conversations revolving around whatever we were watching....commenting, making fun of....etc. She was having a lot of pain, so one of my main concerns was making her comfortable.

I love her. I like her. She is a person, I'd want to be friends with if I had met her on the street. And to be honest, I got used to spending so much time with her that when she was released and we brought J home, I missed her. I know this is not always the situation with adoptions and I'm sure it won't be for my next child, but I feel so blessed to know her, to love her, and to see her face when I look at J. She gave us the most wonderful gift. And thank-you just isn't enough.

I am told she never wavered. Now it wasn't easy. At first the agency called saying she wanted us there and for all of us to walk out of the hospital together, but when the time came and she signed the papers, she wept, Pam crawled into bed and held her, and when she was released, Pam drove her home.....Hannah couldn't see us and I understand. We arrived after she left and Jax was with our lawyer and a nurse...waiting for us.

It's been six weeks. We have sent her 3 photo updates with several photos in each update. We do plan on seeing her in the future and introducing J to her, but she needs time to heal and mourn. But I think of her everyday and pray for her constantly. I smile when I watch a show on TV that I know she likes or when I eat or drink something that she said is her favorite. I talk to J about her. How she feels ugly without her jewelry and had to put earrings on asap after the birth to feel beautiful and how much she loves him. My heart hurts when I see the news updates on Haiti and I pray for the heartache she feels for the family she lost. She is apart of me. And I think she is strong and brave.....selfless and loving. And her picture is the very first picture to be framed in his nursery.


Monday, April 19, 2010

to blog or not to blog

So I made this account in Feb. We were waiting for our son to be born and had to put all this nervous energy into something. Although, because we only got 6 weeks notice of his debut, I couldn't find the time to sit down and write anything ....well, anything that would make sense since my husband and I were frazzled, excited, nervous, delirious, soon-to-be parents.

I've been a lurker on many blogs for years now. My husband and I always knew our family would grow by adoption and I loved learning and reading about other adoptive families out in the world wide web. But when it came to writing our own blog.....what would we say. I don't feel I have a wealth of knowledge to share and I admit, I don't think I could take the criticism of my parenting decisions from a complete stranger. I don't want to argue or tear down someone else's parenting decisions, but I do want to connect and learn from others. So, I'm here. A bit timid, but I love my life. I love my new family that is 6 weeks old. And if anything, I just want to share with the people I already do know how J became part of our family and share the stories of what's to come.

so...thanks for reading, and I ask forgiveness ahead of time for the terrible writing...(and spelling?)