I'm still in shock that I could be someone's mommy. After J was placed in my arms, it seemed the most asked question was, "How does it feel to finally be a mommy?" and that question was always followed up by (before I could answer) "Isn't it wonderful?"
It is wonderful, but that feeling of mommyhood wasn't instant for me.
Please don't misunderstand. I fell in love with him in an instant. My heart was full of joy and gratitude. But I spent two days with Hannah (the birthmother). And I love her. I enjoyed her company. He has her face, her eyes. When I would look at him those first few weeks, I saw her and I felt guilty....but oh so grateful.
It felt kinda like babysitting at first.
Now it doesn't. Those mommy moments happen more and more like when I am the only one who can get him back to sleep or when I am with other moms and the reality hits that I don't have to sit there being the childless auntie anymore.
I'm told by my friends who have biological children that it took awhile for them to feel like somebody's mom, so maybe it has nothing to do with adoption and more to do with the expectation that you are supposed to feel like a totally new person as soon as you meet your child. It's like when I got married, I was so happy and grateful, but I was still me. It took awhile before I actually felt like somebody's wife.
At two weeks, while at the doctor, J was screaming his head off (having just been circumsised), but the moment the nurse handed him back to me, he stopped crying instantly. I was a crying mess, because he was crying, but in that moment when he stopped crying and felt comforted.....I was hit with a rush of adrenaline. He knew me. Both nurses had tried to calm him, but just my hands touching him, calmed him. It felt amazing. He just wanted his momma....He just wanted me.
--libby
I'm crying. I've had a nearly identical journey.
ReplyDeleteWhen he was born I didn't feel transformed as much as I felt fulfilled. My world didn't suddenly go from black and white to technicolor when they put him in my arms but I did cry. I cried for joy, relief, a sense of awe. The miracle of a new life and the overwhelming responsibility and gratefulness I felt that God would choose me to be his Mommy.
Little by little the "momma moments" have become more and more. When he'll only calm down for me. When he smiles just because I'm in his line of sight. When I can tell the difference between his I'm teething cry and his I'm tired cry.
I am his Mommy. I am soo lucky.
Thank you for sharing this.
So beautiful Libby!
ReplyDeletethanks Jenn....glad to know I'm not alone!
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