She was quite a surprise. We were far into our journey to China for our little ladybug. Everything for her seemed to be falling into place. The finances came in for each step....then just a couple days before Halloween last year, I got the surprise of a lifetime. We were about to be given the most wonderful gift. Just over a few months later, I sat next my children's beautiful, intelligent, and sacrificial "tummy-momma" as we took turns holding and kissing our Cupcake. My heart grew even larger that day.
You can't exchange one child for another. You can add another chair to the table though. And that is what we did. There are still empty chairs and that reality breaks my heart everyday. We were supposed to be bringing our daughter home from China this summer. We will be adopting a child with hearing loss and that is considered "severe" so a match would have come quickly.
My heart is overjoyed every time I hear Cupcake's laugh and get the honor of her cuddles, but at the same time, my heart aches for my daughter in China. I want her home---yesterday. And I am trying my best to understand God's plan in all of this. All the money we paid for agency fees, homestudy, immigration....etc. is all gone. We will have to start all over. And we also still have a large mountain of fees to pay for Cupcake before we can finalize. We have had to postpone finalization twice already, because we didn't have the money. All the money went to China. It's frustrating. What keeps my daughter from being legally and officially mine is money. And what keeps me from beginning the journey back to China is money. I hate money. And I am exhausted.
There is a saying in the adoption world that "God funds what He favors". I hate that saying. If I hear it one more time, my heart and head will explode. Since He hasn't funded it yet, does He not favor my precious baby that is napping in the other room? Of course not! Sometimes, I think God lets us struggle. Sometimes, all the money isn't miraculously paid for my an anonymous donor. Sometimes we have to sacrifice and work really, really hard. And it sucks. I guess this is labor pain. They don't seem to lessen. In fact, they seem to increase without any end in sight. But really, in the end, will this matter?
I dream of the day when I can look around my dining room table and know all the empty chairs are filled. And I will try my best to savor the blessings I have the privilege to love on. If you pray, please keep us in your prayers. We are getting a lot of pressure about the fees from the agency via the courts. I have faith that it will all come in. God will provide. I just wish He would provide sooner than later.
Also say a prayer for my children in China. I am feeling like there may be two there for us. And I won't rest until they are home.
